My Letter to Myself

Unknown hostel,

Muslim Town,

Lahore.

My dear Awais Babar,

Ohhh man, look at you. You have grown your hair much longer. I know you have always admired the long hair, but has this deed of growing long hair satisfied you? Why? Isn't it this "satisfaction" which you are always after? Have you ever felt satisfied at all? Oh, now you must be thinking how rudely I'm behaving, not done the formal shit of "how-are-you-I'm-fine." Come on, I've been with you for twenty years now, you are never fine. Still that old habit of making too many plans and then never being able to complete them. Still listening to music for long hours with closed eyes, trying to escape reality, imagining yourself doing things that you really want to do, imagining yourself at the places where you really want to be, and then how do you feel when you come back from this short imaginal trip of yours? How's the reality Mr. Babar? It's hard, yes, it truly is. But you know that you yourself made it hard for you. It wouldn't have been this much hard if you had acted a little mature at certain occasions. But maturity and you, what a joke! You are still unfamiliar with the art of saying "no." When will you learn to become a selfish, material person? When will you learn this basic fact that LIFE is never going to be easy for you unless you start thinking for the good of yourself, only yourself? But I've been teaching you this for years, you just never learn this. Oh, who knows it better than me that you are a quick learner of things, you deliberately don't want to act like that. I know you are still thinking about that old stupid philosophy of yours, "I'll be good, no matter what", which has never proved good for you. But you, oh, you, my God, you are a thing with serious complications.

I've heard you are spending too much on the books. I know you love reading, it probably is the best tool to quench your thirst of knowledge. But I've also heard some queer things about you. You know what I'm talking about. What? You don't want me to write those things? Oh come on Awais, you can't stop me today. It's the fine late night of late November, and as you very well know, I can't sleep nowadays which makes me very frustrated and angry, so I'll write and you will read. Tell me the changes that this book reading has brought into you. Not long ago, you used to be a jolly fellow with no concern and no thought of whatsoever was going on in the world. But now, well, you seem somewhat confused now. What was the last time you prayed to God? It's 4AM now and the voice of Azaan is echoing in Lahore. What was the last time you heard Azaan with full attention? Do you believe in this story of gods and religion? Well, you used to do. But what about now? Is your faith still unbesmirched? What will happen after you die? Do you still believe in the ideas of heaven and hell? Good folks will be marching proudly towards heaven, a land of so much privileges, and bad folks will be walking lazily and unwillingly towards hell, a land of pain and misery. Do you still believe in all that? You can't say no, and you can't say yes. You can't say yes, and you can't say no. Oh, man, look at you, you are confused. Pity, what a pity, a boy who speaks and writes words of knowledge, whom people think to be an intellectual, my god, what a poor guy, he's confused. Is that all which books have given you? Confusion? I can see, you have no answer, I can see.

I've heard another rumor about you that you are a creative boy, a boy with immense talent of creative writing, that too in his boyhood. So in what way do you intend to use this talent? Just writing and posting it on your blog is enough or do you have a bigger plan? Why don't you start a book? What? Look at you, you are again confused. What's the matter with you Mr. Babar? You were confused in deciding whether to go for CSS or not, and now you are confused in deciding whether to write a book or not. Why don't you believe in yourself? I hope you remember what that girl, who recently got married, said to you once, "Awais, you are such an insecure person." Why this insecurity? Why do you think yourself to be a good for nothing sort of fellow? Why are you afraid? Come on, no one knows you better than me. You will have a good future. Remember, the same girl also said once, "Awais, you have a very bright life ahead of you." So, I can imagine you being a sharp minded officer whom so many people are offering a handsome bribe, and you, oh my god, look at you, instead of slapping them right on the face, you are sitting with them and dipping candy biscuit in tapal tea. That is  because you believe in using your mind instead of being violent, which is very evident from your physique too, and because you understand the system you are working under. If not this, I can imagine you as a writer who has written a fantasy book and after reading that book people have forgotten Harry Potter and Game of Thrones and now they are dying to take a selfie with you, and you, well, you are busy in enjoying the raindrops which are falling very delicately and smoothly on the pretty face of that girl who is running towards the big trees of Jannat Road of Punjab University Lahore to take a shelter. Ufff, you and your dreams, both are very weird. Come on Mr. Creative, clean your eyes which have become wet, not with raindrops, but with the tears which you always are unable to hold back. Yes, you are not that ugly when you are smiling.

Last thing, I've just heard that university is going to be closed. This must be very frustrating for you. I know how much you love to wander on the long beautiful roads of your university with your bag behind the back. I know you love being there, and you learn too much by just being there, also you don't want to part from the great teachers of yours who are like an infinite ocean of knowledge. But we can't fight fate, can we? Now you would say, yes we can. But I've no intention of arguing with a poor confused boy who is lingering somewhere between Iqbal and Russell.

Spend your winter well at home with "Saag k praathy" , "Khalis doodh ki krrak chaaye" and "Ammi ki dhair sari galiyan" for getting up late everyday. Read the books, listen to the music, watch movies, play cricket, and be always happy, because, hey listen, because I - I am you, and you - you are me.

Your well wisher,

Awais Babar.