Meri Pyari Bindu

On a bright sunny day of October, with cool breeze touching my face softly, I walk rather slowly on Jannat Road of my university, feeling the pleasant weight of books on my back, lifting my head up as I enter my English department - Picture Perfect! I see my Bindu, who always keeps reminding me that no picture ever remains perfect. She's waiting for me.

"Late again?" She asks.

"There were two girls walking in front of me, both had long hair. What could've I done?" I tell her.

She smacks her hand tenderly on my shoulder and we both, smiling, walk towards our classroom. That's how we used to begin our every normal day - joking, smiling, quarreling. But how many days in the recent years have been normal? New Normal - term that we've used the most, not realizing that adding New with Normal will deprive it of its normality anyway.

"Good thing about relationships is that we end up forgetting how they started." 

This line of Tokyo from "Money Heist" is actually true. I don't remember how I got so close to Bindu, neither does she. I've forgotten her real name as well. I named her Bindu after watching Ayushumann's "Meri Pyari Bindu", a movie that we both like just so much. When did this Bindu become "my Bindu" is a thing which again neither of us seems to remember.

When we first started talking to each other, I knew at that very moment that we both were very different, she was sky and I was earth, or probably it was other way round. I always kept reading, writing, listening to, watching, or speaking something, and Bindu did any of such things very rarely. She was strong in her religious faith and I didn't believe in religion at all. I was of very liberal mindset, she had some elements of conservativeness in her thoughts. She hated taking part in intellectual discussions, thing which I loved. I loved philosophy, history, and politics, things which she hated. I was interested in girls, she never liked a boy. To cut the long story short, mutual agreement over things was very uncommon between us. Later, it turned out to be the beauty of our relationship - it was very paradoxical in nature. One would wonder how did we manage to come so close despite having a complete package of differences between us. Well, thing I loved the most about her was that she valued emotions, understood the feelings, and gave utmost importance to friendship. Eventually, we found ourselves in mutual agreement over this one single thing, which probably laid the foundation of our relationship. We've had some issues describing our relationship; first we were friends, then the best friends, and then more-than-friends-less-than-lovers, and now, well, it's complicated.

Dhani c dhani c

Shrbati pani c

Dheery dheery se

Teri chahat charrhti hai...

Thori nadaani c

Thori shaitani c

Dheemy dheemy se

Teri adat barrhti hai

I still remember when I touched her hand for the first time, or probably she touched mine, but that moment seemed like the one stolen from heaven. We both knew that elements of love were creeping in our relationship which was purely of friendship till then. Bindu was very sensitive about our friendship, she wanted to keep it safe and secure at any cost. She always told me that she'll never find a friend like me again in her life. The only thing where I'm not a disaster is perhaps friendship. I used to share with her everything and she was intelligent enough to understand that when we share everything with someone, we're actually sharing the tiny fragments of our heart and our soul which, if we didn't deliberately share, nobody would ever be aware of otherwise. She thought love, with all its complications, will eventually weaken, if not destroy, our friendship and so she disallowed me even to hold her hand ever again.

"Don't try to transform your friendship into the love relationship, you lose both."

Doesn't matter how I felt at that time, I just didn't know how to say NO to my Bindu. So I obeyed her and respected her decision. We fought so many times, and had arguments very frequently, but she always managed to console me and our friendship not only remained unaffected but grew in its uniqueness as well. But what about love? We knew that seeds of love had been sowed in our hearts, our hearts - that fertile land which carried in it all the essential ingredients required for the smooth growth of that mysterious crop popularly known as love. It was very hard of course to be with her always, and yet not to be with her. But what could've I done? My Bindu had decided to live with me only as a friend, and although I fought with her too much, yet, at the end of the day, I had to obey her, because saying NO to her was a thing which I was completely unaware of.

Tu hai to mery ru-ba-ru

Par kya krn

Yaqeen hee ni ata

Sham se subha krn

Dekha krn

Raha bhee ni jaata

I was pleasantly surprised when I first saw her hair, she had quite long hair. She knew that long hair were a sort of weakness of mine. Although I wasn't allowed to express my feelings of love, yet I couldn't resist.

"Please Bindu, I assure you nothing unwanted will happen to our friendship. I've tried to obey you, but it's very hard. I can't suppress my feelings. You know that's not my way. Please try to understand." I begged her.

"Do you want to end this friendship?" She asked.

"Never." I said.

"Then don't discuss this love of yours with me ever again. I can't do this. That's final." She said without looking into my eyes.

"Tmhry seeny me dil hai ya pthar?" I asked her.

"Pthar." She said and walked away.

After that I decided to remain silent. Sometimes I tried to look into her eyes, but she never looked back into mine. I remember once she told me that how revealing & attractive my eyes were. She liked my eyes. And she had stopped looking into them now. Things were not good at all.

Almost one full year passed. I tried my best to behave as normally with Bindu as I could. This year was not easy. I read some very weird people in this year, including Russell & Harari, Plato & Freud, Sylvia Plath & Arundhati Roy, and Ibsen & Beckett. I also watched stuff like "Game of Thrones" and "Midnight Sun". I don't know what all this did to my mind, but the immediate result was the disappearance of sleep from my life. I struggled to sleep at nights, forgot how to smile, and countered the thoughts of suicide. Bindu always asked me that why don't I smile anymore. And I always tried to ignore her question saying that "pthar" should never be concerned with someone's smile. In heart of my hearts, I knew she loved me too. But she was afraid, afraid of unknown consequences perhaps. I always hoped that she will understand all this one day. Well, that day seemed to have arrived.

"What do you think of yourself? Why haven't you given up? It's been a full year now and I never showed any respect for your feelings, then why do you still care for me? Why do you still love me? Damn it, why do you still love me?" She was screaming at me.

I was just looking into her beautiful eyes which seemed more wet than usual.

"Tell me, I'm asking you. Why do you still love me?" She asked again.

I first smiled a little and then replied her, looking deep into her eyes.

"Well, you were always in front of me. And you had long hair. What could've I done?"

Her lips smiled, her eyes wept, and her heart felt a mysterious joy as she threw herself in my arms.

"Ohhh, can I touch you too?" I asked her.

"Stupid, you don't have to ask now." She said and hugged me more tightly.

I touched her, felt her in my arms, took my lips near to her ear and whispered there.

"Bht time lg gya pthar ko pighalny me."

She smiled and put her hands into mine.

Thori pighalti hun

Thori phisalti hun

Ghash kha k teri hee

Baahon me girti hun

Thori sirakti hai

Thori khisakti hai

Niyat bigarr k ye

Tujh se hee smbhalti hai

Emotions had won, love had won and fears had lost. We both once again were very happy. But short-lived are the moments of joy and infinite is the misery. My Bindu had a very bad habit of doing things on very bad time. Yes, when we were back in this world we realized that our degrees had ended. Our homes were almost five hundred miles apart. So, as luck would have it, we had to part our ways just when we had started to actually live life. Can anyone understand this pain? Of course no one can. Only me & my Bindu can imagine how disastrous this pain was. We both wept on our last day together. She wept because she fought with her brother. I wept because, well, thought of living away from her was enough to make me cry. With wet eyes, broken hearts, an infinite amount of unsaid words, and a sea of unexpressed emotions, we saw into each other's eyes for the one last time, for the one last time we put our hands into each other's. Farewell!!!

Tery mery faasly

Bs aj se

Saanson hee saanson me gumny lgy

Tery mery raasty

Bs aj se

Ankhon hee ankhon me milny lgy

It's once again the bright sunny day of October, but cool breeze is touching my face rather harshly. The road I'm walking on is not the jannat road of my university. I don't lift my head up as there's no English department to enter. The weight on my back is not of books, but of expectations and social responsibilities, which is not pleasant at all. The PICTURE is obviously NOT PERFECT. I should've listened to my Bindu when she used to remind me that no picture ever remains perfect. Mgr mjhy kahan fursat thee apni Bindu se.

Afeemi afeemi

Afeemi hai ye pyar

Afeemi hai tera mera pyar

Khumari khumari

Na aye re karaar

Afeemi hai tera mera pyar

I miss my Bindu a lot. And when I miss her there's nothing in this world which my mind seems to remember, except of course this Ayshumann's dialogue:

"Pyar krna to bht log sikhaaty hein, par afsos, us pyar ko bhulaaty kesy hein ye saala koi ni sikhaata."

(The END)

Writer is a music-addict with masters degree in English Literature from University of Punjab, Lahore.